Finally

It finally rained yesterday..that is actually an understatement..it poured..all of three and a half drops.
I lapped it up like Katrina in the aamsutra ad….felt like her too J

I want to go for a luxurious holiday.
It has to be the beach. And it has to cost almost nothing. And of course, it has to be with the person I want it to be with.
I do live in exciting times don’t I?
Well if you don’t think so…lemme clarify…the flavour of my season is Shane Warne.
Yaya I know he’s every woman’s worst nightmare come alive but hey, dream big man! I’m not going to get him just because I want him.

Age and experience come in handy when you have to deal with such irrational desires (ahem!).
Which brings me to something that I’ve been thinking off recently.

I find youth overrated in terms of its ability to refresh, aspire and deliver.
The confidence and keenness to venture out today is much more than I ever felt 10 yrs back.
Maybe its the confidence that comes from earning ur own keep or the sensitivity to see a third side to the story with the two sides we’ve always been taught to.
Or just simply, Ur ability to take off on Ur own.

I read Anuja Chauhan’s “The Zoya Factor”…enjoyed it too (just out of curiosity, does that make me a chick?). Probably too frivolous for most but I think it has awesome film hooks..Hopefully will get to see the movie soon too considering SRK has bought the rights. I giggled quite a bit reading it..and that too, in not the most smile worthy, phase of my life. Thank u Anuja….you don’t know me but u did make my life easier for those few seconds of reprieve.

Apart from that, what have I been upto…hmmm…

Learning the language of the bulls and bears…
Sleeping at every single split second opportunity…..
Waiting for Parul’s book..go go gurl!
Following the IPL like a cricket fanatic and cheering teams and, (ahem) team captains for all the wrong reasons
Swearing every night that tom is going to be the day pan parag is hurled out of the window and I’m seen in the sexiest tracks I have, downstairs, swinging to the beat of my new found enthu ….hahahaha
Following it up every morning with WTF, tom…yaar

The book hasn’t started..the script synopsis is half finished..the restaurant idea perishing…I am just waiting for god alone knows what..to start !

My beauty of a son tells me I won't live to see these three if I dnt get the first one..the unsaid, unspoken off enemy...out! I did tell you we are a family surviving on IPL :0

I'll Be Back !

I need to delve deep and develop a new language for myself.
2009 has been difficult but nothing that cannot be provoked to rekindle the humour in me.
I'm going to take a holiday soon :)....
And, then hopefully, u'll see and read more of me than these hugely irritatingly monotonously deep posts....

Mending

Just odds and ends that have captured my attention for some time...relieved me of the pressures of the single minded pursuit haunting me today.

While the world is going gaga over Masakalli, I love the soul ditty of Maula Mere Maula....

"दरारें दरारें माथे पे मौला
मररमत॒ मुककदर की कर दो मौला,
मेरे मौला..
जो भी तेरे दर् आया, झुकने जो सर आया
मस्तियाँ पिए सबको, झूमता नज़र आया
प्यास ले के आया था, दरिया वों भर लाया
नूर की बारिश में भीगता सा तर आया
दरारें दरारें माथे पे मौला
मररमत॒ मुककदर की कर दो मौला, मेरे मौला.."

I believe, as many of us do, that each time demands its own Literature.
It's the creative arts that urge our happiness, mingle with our pain and finally, help us abandon ourselves to something far more potent than we can hope to accomplish.

At different phases of my life I have found anchor in music, films, and books. Its not that the connect hits you the first time you experience them but that, at different points in time, you take from the source what seems most relevant.

In the much acclaimed, The Namesake, there is a moving scene where Irfaan and the young Gogol walk out into the sea. They later realize they have forgotten to pick up the camera from the car and hence, cannot take pictures of the beauty around them, their experience of it together. The father tells the toddler, it does not matter; they will just have to remember it.
“How long?” the child asks.“Forever. We will have to remember the time we came so far that we could not go any farther.”

It’s something I have been trying to convince myself over years. I can’t hoard time…..and time can’t steal away memories.

Saw Dev D a week back. Something struck me. Its not really been talked about as much as the whole of Dev D. Actually I don’t think I have read it anywhere, even as a byline by the makers of the movie. So it could most easily be my interpretation of the scene even though the movie does not actively pan out as such.

There is a scene at the beginning of the movie where Dev asks Paro to send him a nude shot of herself.
She takes the picture and then goes to a market far away from her home in Chandigarh to scan and send out from a web café.
In the latter part of the movie, cut to a flashback spin of Chanda, going through the angst of young love because a boyfriend cut a compromising video of hers and made it public.

These two bits of the movie stay with me because one could most easily be the other.

Both girls were probably driven by the same emotion, the need to please themselves and their lovers.
So, why does Paro come out looking bold and Chanda, a slut? Chanda. could most easily have been seen as an innocent trapped by a mercenary boyfriend.

And, I’m not talking about just the movie now.
I’m talking about the girl who went through this tragedy in real life.
I wonder how many of us restrained the urge to condemn her act in our thoughts. Sure, we felt sorry for her but how many of us can put our hand to our heart and say that they did not think of her as a juicy story.

I can and I didn’t. I was, however guilty of a bigger crime. She was just too far away to affect my existence.

As I grow older, I sometimes see my reactions as frivolous, for lack of a better word.
SRK’s next antics on screen are also far away. He also does not affect my existence.
Just because I like watching it, I take out time and read and write reviews galore, spread the good cheer about his movies around.

Just because I can’t face shadows of self doubt about the influence I wield in my personal capacity to a social construct, I sit back, read in the papers and forget about a girl and so many others of everyday life who need my direction more.

I really don’t know where these thoughts are coming from.

As I said every moment demands its own literature.

Today, while there is hope in the journey and timelessness in memories, there is also a greater need to surrender to the intuitive, to a greater presence of certainty.

A need to go back to the source of the self doubt in one’s influence and, redirect, to a more positive purpose.

I’ll be back….till then Jai Ho!

"दरारें दरारें माथे पे मौला
मररमत॒ मुककदर की कर दो मौला, मेरे मौला.."

Khudi Ko Kar Buland Itna....

Its been ages since I countered my fear and picked up my pen. This period of staying away from the written word has been intentional.

Its always been easy to lose myself in the make believe haze of a jumble of words that mean so much and, release much moré.
I’ve done it the past, almost immediately after events, to restore balance.

This time, I have had no such time and have been in little mood to afford myself the same luxury.

2009 has been violently inertia breaking.

Just when u think life has ceded to u the simple happiness of just letting u be, u are asked to tie up ur laces again and go out to battle.

There is always an easy way. And, then, there is always the right way.
I think all of us, at different points in time find that both, are not, exclusive.

Honestly, while I owe strong allegiance to the right way, I have found myself straying towards the easy with relative ease. That must be human, right?

However, the intent has always been to do the right thing and I will do that today too.

I will undo myself, dry, in the energy of the spring sun and, emerge battle strong.

Its only in times that are indifferent to your happiness that one finds will. I had heard that so many times.
I have managed to conquer one of my oldest foes in these trying times by reining in that elusive will.

My intution says that I will end up “right” even though the right may not be “easy”.

As I said, it probably would be one of those times when both the “easy" and the “right" meet to make magic.

Chandni Chowk

History has little use for me. I find it difficult to remember things beyond the now and here. I could write reams on the why of it but I doubt it would be of interest to anyone.
I do understand that I miss out on the whole romance of imagining a bygone era and its trappings but that's the way it is.
So when a few close friends offered to show me around Chandni Chowk, it was not the history of the place that catapulted me into action but the fact that I would get to shop and eat to my heart’s content.
I found history all the same, or it, finally found me…..

Colours streak the
Grey suffused skies
I raise my head to the
Jumble of electricity in the air
Having experienced the romance
Of generations gone by
They seem to be whispering into each others ears
Yes, this too shall pass..

“बल्ली मरण से दरीबे तलक..तेरी मेरी कहानी दिल्ली में”
I have heard that before
All that stays with me now, is not the refrain
But the smell that tiptoes around it
I reach out to touch it
all that stays
Is the wisp of feel
The senses blur, collide
all that stays
Is the colour in the sky….

Time suspended in unhindered conversations
And, conversation hanging loose of any intention

They seem to be whispering into each others ears
Yes, this too shall pass..

Random Silence

Over the last two days I’ve lost my voice. This happens to me once every six months. And, ya I know its not good but it kind off feels good.
Takes the pressure to respond, off, my already weight burdened soul.

So, I’ve been thinking (I never do that).

When I think of myself old, I see myself as this really hot woman. You think, u can vicariously live off Ur own projections about your own future which comes to u through idle dreams? God, sounds really complicated right now..I’ve actually forgotten the movie I saw her in..But there was this really awesomely pretty old lady with a dimple in her eyes and a twinkling smile..That’s the kind of old age I see.

Frankly speaking, the only thing I miss as a consequence of my obesity is my ability to wear Jeans. I know most of the USA still wears it but I sort of gave up on them a decade back. Till about early college, you’d hardly ever find me in anything else. I so so miss that.

What is it they say – u can’t miss something u never had or did. I want to sit in the rain with my knees cuddled upto my chest, cocoon fashioned. I can’t do it because theres a certain Mr. Tummy coming in the way…I’ve never done it but I really miss it.

I want to go to New Zealand. It's that particular shade of blue that turns me on.

I want it to rain right now and become really cold. Only today, I read somewhere winter is for the melancholic. What bullshit!

Relationship equations always change or, just with our generation?

I’ve always preferred sassy over sexy, chutzpah over intelligence and humour over wit….man, does that make me what I think it makes me???
Which basically sort of translates into the immediate, the spontaneous over structured, planned.

By the way, chutzpah is probably my most favorite word. Yaya I can’t help it if I have a fav word. I have many. So there.

I like staying home with Ishu. The end of the day sees me more accomplished.

There are times when I become a baby not this hugely self sufficient woman in charge of herself and her brood. And, I wonder if that's not the best way to be. Its not something I have at my command. And, the one who does, rarely, uses this power. Pity!

I want to write a script……and I really want to read Parul’s book !

The truth is, theres only one thing I want to live through Ishu. I want him to become a rockstar. And, in own subtle way I keep introducing him to” rockstar concepts”. You think I’m a bad mommy?? Well, I so wanted to be a rockstar and I’ve only realized that at this hugely young age of 36, what do I do?

I read somewhere yesterday – the way you do anything is the way you do everything. Bull, again.

Love is worth it.

And, I want to be ur baby..Pronto!

We, The People ..

There are times when the Libran in me exhausts me. I sway from finding the balance to losing it with alarming frequency.

Have been immersed in the terror of the last week. Fear resides deep within. I read a beautifully tragic piece by someone I hold in high regard.

As newsflash after backlash happens, there is only one thing I see. Earlier if there were 20 people wanting revenge, today there are 20000.

What I can’t understand is what we expect the government to do?

Do we want to attack because we have no defense?

There is a governance in place but we don’t want to have anything to do with it. This is the bittermost ramification of terror. Random emotions brought to the forefront. Emotions that require only vent. We don’t know how to react so we bury the blame at the funeral pyre of the next easiest target.

We create terror because we are terrorised.

I don’t read much of intellectual literature nor am I a great academic buff. I’m more or less creative in my approach towards life. I don’t assume that I understand the pain of the terror attacks beyond going through the angst in my luxurious sitting room. I’ve cried blind tears because my father taught me long back that tears were useless if they did not take you forward. He tells me even today that my biggest weakness is that I cannot capture anger in the black of my eyes and rear it to be embers that light up the path to be taken.

As cities and families burn in the agony of someone else’s misspent youth, empathy is not something we can expect of them.
Anger is.
However, like in a family in crises there are some who are not amenable to reason as the loss they face is too palpable, too immediate and too crippling, there are others in the family who can seek reason out and bombard themselves with responsibility.
And, this occasion demands exactly this of us. To rise to the front and protect our family members who are incapable of such rationale right now.
Give them time to grief and not stangle them with ours.
While we are terrorised, they are terror stricken.

There is a government that has sprung into action. There are visual cues that indicate things may be different from now onwards.
Not because a chief minister is changed or the home minister sacked. Because there is no other way out.

Our government should have protected us. Undoubtedly. But we should not have supported the fundamentalists either.

Today the lone terrorist, a kid of 20 odd, drugged to fight a deathly end without sleep for 60 long hours, trained to kill his soul and then others’, expected to stand up to the tears of a billion strong nation state still lives, with an ideology of hate, that he was not born with, but taught.
He says he learnt at the hands of a certain Mr. Narendra Modi.
That is the terror of it.

While the media creates enough angst with its “enough is enough” mantra and, we are fed to repeat, by rote, situations that are best ignored because of their frivolity. I’m sick of Barkha Dutt asking a city that has just stared death in its face about what they feel about the NSGs being north indian more than marathi. She looks visibly scarred and moved. I wonder how she can still ask these questions. Not once but everytime.

I want to scream out and say this is not the time to fight our bitter battles against our politicians.
They suck. Great. Now lets get on with it.
We suck too, for not standing up as one when we most need to..

Did we not know where the earlier terror attacks had come from?
Did we not have these same politicians at the helm?
Were are policies any different then?
Did our DNA not need changing then?
So why is it enough today and not then?

When I was young, I never used to understand why we had to go through a hugely ritualistic period of about 13 days post someones passing away. As usual, my dad came to my rescue. He told me that jumping to conclusions was the easiest way to ignorance. There was a reason why the 13 day ritual came into practice. And, it was based on logic and not religion. The 13 day was a highly strung work intensive period full of ritualistic dos and don’ts so that the family could keep itself busy and not lose itself in the grief of the beholden. Unfortunately, today the only ritual we are being taken through is at the hands of the vouyeristic media machinery we have indulged for so long. So much information, yet still ignorant.

Today, we stand wrecked by self doubt.
We need to observe that 13 day ritual, turn inwards and come back reinforced with the goodness that we seek and not the death that abounds.

We’ve lost lives.
This is a time to build and rebuild.
Not to lose focus.
Our fellow siblings are incabable of restoration right now. They need time to grieve.
We can’t afford grief.
We can fight our internal battles later.

For now, We Resurrect.

Plan the Plan

Its nearly the end of 2008.

For the first time this year I decided to make a New Year resolution that had nothing to do with my physical health. And, I can honestly say, I’ve lived upto it.

Sometimes I manage to surprise even myself with the indiscipline with which I lead my life.
I try and justify it by calling it my impetuousness.

I turned 36 this year. It sank in yesterday with very pedestrian menace.
I was paying the bill at Yo China (God, Yo China would u believe it???) and they asked me to fill the suggestion form. I was all ready to sign the 31-35 age slab and, realized, oh shit, I’ve hit the 36-40 one. I must have stared at it for a minute before ticking.

Its not that I can’t handle turning older by a year.

Its just that I still seem to be thinking theres so much time to do the things I want to do when, time is sort of sifting through my fingers..fast and furious.

I think I’ll try and use the next month to plan out my life for the first time.

The starting point is obvious enough.

Now, I'm the Hero's Friend..Show Respect Man

I don't fucking care if u don't understand a single word of tamil...go watch Poi Solla Porom right now......my coolest friend has just delivered a solo hit man....go...luv ya KK...

Gimme Time

No excuse but the plea that I've been busy. Very busy.

This is the first time in my life when the hours in a day seem less than what I would want them to be.

Not that I wasn't busy earlier...oh I've always managed to make the seconds count but never felt want of time..till now.

I always come to one conclusion when I'm faced with insights about myself at inopportune moments.

I can take a lot...

I don't know if I believe in God but I know he knows I can take a lot..

His way of ensuring that I'm forever challenged...

This is a new time...time for a new code...

By the way, my son's got his own blog now...catch him here.